Multiple employees report the CFO wing lights activated at 02:17.
Unconfirmed details:
- One landing platform scorch mark.
- Two empty high-grade energon glasses.
- One lipstick-stained datapad.
- A financial projection file renamed "absolutely_not_a_coup_final_FINAL.xls".
Official explanation: Quarterly budget review.
Unofficial explanation: Our queen was working late and someone survived being audited.
Security camera 7B went dark for exactly three minutes.
Known facts:
- Camera faces private executive corridor.
- Barricade logged the outage as "maintenance."
- No maintenance ticket exists.
- Soundwave has refused to clarify.
Rumor probability: 87.4%
Threat level: Romantically inconvenient.
Shockwave submitted a formal requisition for duct tape in color #8000FF.
Astrotrain rejected the request as "aesthetic waste."
Shockwave responded with a 47-page document proving that purple duct tape improves departmental efficiency by 0.003%.
Destroyer has called a meeting.
No one is happy.
Employee subnet discussion has fixated on the executive bedroom wing-support pillow.
Clarifications from official sources:
- It is not a scandal.
- It is not evidence of anything.
- It is a wing support pillow.
- Seekers require proper wing alignment.
- Yes, it has multiple covers.
- No, you may not submit procurement requests for "the executive snuggle-grade model."
Rumor status: Still trending.
Three separate witnesses claim Lord Megatron laughed in the private lift.
This report is disputed due to the following:
- Witness 1 fainted.
- Witness 2 described the sound as "structural damage but affectionate."
- Witness 3 transferred departments.
Possible cause: Unknown.
Probable cause: Starscream said something viciously funny.
A stack of Autobot Unlimited visitor badges appeared at reception.
No visit is currently scheduled.
Optimus Prime's badge was printed in advance.
Elita-One's badge was printed in advance and laminated twice.
Starscream's handwritten note on the request form reads:
"Absolutely not without cameras."
So, I am in the breakroom. Doughnut in claw, running off fumes.
Longhaul appeared, locked optics with me, knocked the doughnut out of my claw, and put a rebar jerky stick in its place.
"Brother, you are weak as slag. Do better."
And like that? Longhaul was gone.
...he's right. I need to get back into shape. Joining the gym.
I love you, king of whoo!
I overheard the new names of Autobots Unlimited's new comms:
- Berry Blast
- Grape Escape
- Tangerine Twist
- Bust-A-Lime
We make cellphones, people.
Not candy.
Buckle up, nerds.
This upcoming bonus is going to be epic.
> FINANCE_DRONE_44: I heard Astrotrain crying in spreadsheet formulas.
> LEGAL_UNIT_KO: I saw nothing. I bill hourly.
> SOUNDWAVE: Gossip archived.